Two years after losing his church and wife to an adultery scandal, Tullian Tchividjian, the Rev. Billy Graham's grandson, admitted he "selfishly wrecked my life and the lives of many others" and reflected on God's faithfulness amid his mistakes.
In a blog post shared October 2, Tchividjian, who remarried last year, began by stating that "whatever bad stuff you may have read or heard about me, whether it is true or false, this I can tell you for sure: I am way worse than anyone knows."
"In fact, I am certain that if all my sins (thoughts, words, and deeds) over the last four decades were broadcast universally, the only person who would still love me is Jesus (and sometimes in my darkest moments of doubt and despair, I have wondered whether even he would)," the former pastor said.
Tchividjian resigned from his position as pastor at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, last summer due to an extramarital affair. He also filed for divorce from his now ex-wife, Kim, and was deposed of pastoral credentials by the South Florida Presbytery.
In his blog post, he admitted he "selfishly wrecked my life and the lives of many others" and the consequences of his sins are "omnipresent."
"There isn't a day that goes by when I am not reminded, in some way, of what I've done and the damage I've caused," Tchividjian admitted.
Recently, he was in Barnes & Noble when he spotted a book by a young Christian author he'd never met face-to-face. Several years earlier, the pastor said, the author had reached out to him and asked him to endorse his first book.
"I remember him reaching out to me after he finished it to tell me he looked up to me and said my ministry had greatly impacted him," he recalled. "He asked me to write an endorsement because he thought it would help give his book credibility. And there it was, my name, sticking out like a discrediting blemish on his hard work. I felt sick."
The "Surprised by Grace" author said that at that moment, he was reminded of the "far reaching effects of my sin and how so many people I've never even met were hurt by me."
"God gifted me with a family to care for, people to love, a high calling, a life-giving message, and a large platform to shout it from-and I blew it," he said. "I blew it all when I had every reason (and opportunity) not to. And I alone am to blame for this."
Tchividjian said people have "every right to be angry" with him, ignore him, and question his motives from now on.
"I won't blame you one bit," he said. "But here's what I know: there are a lot of people out there just like me. People who live with guilt and shame and regret and sadness because of what they have done or failed to do. People who would do anything to go back in time and make different choices but are presently plagued by the realization that they can't."
The former pastor encouraged those who "identify with a status of 'Sinner' that is awful, and costly, and destructive of your life and the lives of others" to "come along" with him.
"Come with me to your deepest bottom, and together, there, let us find hope and comfort and love and forgiveness and grace and mercy," he said. "Because the bad news that we are all guilty is met with the best news that God loves, forgives, and heals the broken hearts of guilty people. After all, God's office of grace IS at the end of our rope."
Tchividjian said he hopes those that are broken "discover that we can still have hope amidst the ruins of our lives because Jesus plus nothing still equals everything."