This here is Brother Hua, he was born in Hong Kong and is currently residing in California with a successful career in finance. He and his beautiful wife have built a warm and loving family with three kids, now eight, six, and three years old respectively.
Fifteen years ago, Hua finally came out of his struggle with homosexuality, and soon after he met his now-wife. Remembering past pains and triumphs, Hua choked up several times as he shared his life’s journey with a reporter from The Gospel Herald (GH).
The interview was originally conducted in Chinese, it is translated and recorded here below (edited for brevity and clarity):
GH: When you were supposed to be appointed as a cell group leader and yet went to your boyfriend’s house, where there any struggles in your heart at that time? What I mean is, you have already been attending church regularly, and you have had Bible Study, so did you know what the Bible teaches about sex beforehand?
Hua: Actually the church spoke on this a lot, like you can’t have premarital sex. At the time, I felt that what they taught in church is a very high standard. For a boy and girl to date, hold hands, or even be in the same room alone, these were all not allowed. So I felt that I could never meet that, and of course, I was very clear on how (homosexuality) is wrong.
While I was in church, I never heard an outright declaration that “homosexuality is wrong”, but I denied myself a lot. Before I met my boyfriend, I went to church to worship, but afterward, I gradually stopped going. Sometimes my church friends would see me out with another guy, so they knew what was going on, it took basically one look to know.
Before I got found out by my friends at church, I also struggled a lot. I became worried a little, on how everyone would see me, how they would talk about me behind my back, etc. So after a while, I really wanted to get back into church.
During that period, I would write diary entries almost every night, a letter to my father in heaven. Every night I would tell my Heavenly Father what happened during the day, and often I would say: “Jesus, I’m sorry, I really can’t… do the things you are asking me to do…” I would also say to God: “If this is really not right, if you are really displeased with this, please you come and change me, please help me.”
That was my prayer. I would also pray for my boyfriend, and for many other things. Actually by then, I already stopped going to church. I remember one time my cat was sick, so I prayed for him, and the next day he was completely better, no need for a vet visit. I was really thankful. I also thought about separating from my boyfriend, but I really couldn’t set up the determination…
GH: The struggle really is very sorrowful. How long were you like this? How were you able to eventually set up the determination?
Hua: It was a long period. We first met when I was 20, and for about four or five years I couldn’t walk away from this. Actually there were many times I wanted to break up, to be determined to leave him, I didn’t want to be gay anymore. Actually at the time we were already living together. The last time I decided I was going to leave my boyfriend, I moved out of his place, and my church pastor took me in. I stayed at the pastor’s house for a while.
Even during this time I still had a lot of struggle in my heart. I still had the tendency from before, I couldn’t walk away, so there were many relapses where I would go back, come out, repeat. There was this one time, I decided to say goodbye to God, I felt I was in too much pain and struggle, and I couldn’t fight anymore. That day I wrote in my diary: “Jesus, I will go back today, I can’t continue to serve you, I will never be able to serve you… just let me be gay…”
But the day after I “decided” this, I went back to church after a long long time. I remember sitting in the back row, and very clearly, in my heart, praying silently, I said to God: “I’m sorry, I have no way.” But right at the moment, I saw a vision, in the vision, I saw me and my wife, and our children, standing at the pulpit and testifying about Jesus. There was also the voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me: “This will all come true. Keep going.”
To be continued…
